Bad Joke thread for the new year

[Desertdawg]

.............

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

I see Tom's new joke book is working... 7/10

[Marco]

Subject: The perspective of a military wife...very short This came from a Marine's wife. It says it all: I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few months ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines in full dress uniform with rifles, Fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then that I realized how far America's Military had deteriorated. Every damn one of them missed the bastard.

[Marana Rich]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked! The good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Marco]

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." I surrender!!!! but you know you have surpassed your bad joke limit sir. lmao

[Marana Rich]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk . We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so itwent on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .. The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ .. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Bigfoot]

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Saw that coming a mile away but read it anyway.

[jstrutt]

So Rich, how long did it take you to open the old joke books Tom gave you for Christmas?

[old yeller]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk . We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so itwent on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ..

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

^

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^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

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^

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Can't believe I wasted five minutes reading this. (Had to read it twice, thought I missed something) It wasn't any better the second time around.

[jstrutt]

IRISH SAUSAGES Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[Big Tom]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Hmmmmmmmmmmm... Seems that every one got a new Joke book...

[Bigfoot]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

I unfortunately saw that one coming too

[Ted Y]

Ewww

[ChadC]

[TheCMSH]

No!

[Big Tom]

Little boy is sitting on his front porch with a bottle of liquid. He is shaking it and watching the bubbles. Minister walks up and asks the boy what ya got there sonny. Little boy says this is the most powerful liquid in the world. Minister says ohhh but holy water is more powerful. Did you know that if you put holy water on a pregnant womans tummy that she will pass a baby boy. Little boy just looks at the minister and says that's nothin.You put just one drop of this here turpentine on a cats a$$ and he will pass a Corvette.

[Big Tom]

What is Celibacy? A: Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?' Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?' And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[Phill's Vette]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony

wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but

don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A

beer and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste

funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds

like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,

"I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you," says

Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to

look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't

find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I

know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have

your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After

about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he

said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family

In Spain ; they name him 'Juan' Years later, Juan sends a picture of

himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her

husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband

responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen

Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from

bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... "a

super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that

there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his

friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them

laugh. No pun in ten did.

[old yeller]

Little boy is sitting on his front porch with a bottle of liquid. He is shaking it and watching the bubbles. Minister walks up and asks the boy what ya got there sonny. Little boy says this is the most powerful liquid in the world. Minister says ohhh but holy water is more powerful. Did you know that if you put holy water on a pregnant womans tummy that she will pass a baby boy. Little boy just looks at the minister and says that's nothin.You put just one drop of this here turpentine on a cats a$$ and he will pass a Corvette.

[old yeller]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony

wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but

don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A

beer and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste

funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds

like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,

"I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you," says

Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to

look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't

find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I

know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have

your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After

about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he

said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family

In Spain ; they name him 'Juan' Years later, Juan sends a picture of

himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her

husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband

responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen

Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from

bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... "a

super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that

there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his

friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them

laugh. No pun in ten did.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. (some of it)

[Big Tom]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

[Marana Rich]

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. (some of it)

The audacity. Ink's not even dry and he's hijacking my jokes!!!

[Marana Rich]

You know the love has faded when... A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef, or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." "F**k off," she said. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[Big Tom]

a guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles. The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[jstrutt]

[Marco]

a guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right

now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,

why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours, we just stand around

drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you

coming in for that."