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ATC Humor


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Being a former Air Traffic Controller...I thought these were funny...I think ANYONE could see the humor.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up


Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself


Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your

traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the

little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a

right at the lights and return to

the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British

accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency


Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the

way,after we lifted off we saw some kind

of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7.

Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern...

we've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of the active runway while a DC-8

landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past

the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane.

Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Che rokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came

back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.

Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


While taxiing at London's Gatwic k Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate

female ground controller lashed out

at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right

onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for

you to tell the difference

between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!

It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move

till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and

I want you to go exactly where

I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air


"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of

US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground

controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke

the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect

one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without

any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt

ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you

not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I

didn't land."

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